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Soup of This Day #204: To What You Wanted To See Good Has Made You Blind

June 30, 2012

Peel Castle, Isle of Man
Peel Castle, on the Isle of Man, is said to be haunted by the Moddey Dhoo, a spectral black dog ‘as big as a calf and with eyes like pewter plates’. In my mind a similar hound haunts the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) – Photo: Optimist on the run, 2009. Optimist on the run is not affiliated with Longworth72. Image cropped by Longworth72.

This is a short post about people.

It is not, and I need to be clear about this, a post about short people – That is a piece that ironically would be of longer duration.

It is instead just a brief post – Mostly because I’m feeling down. I once had a counsellor who would advise me that I couldn’t feel down or blue or pissed off. Those are not feelings he’d say.

Which might be true but they are words and if I jumble the words up and write them down in such a way that they encapsulate how I feel then it happens that ‘down’ will do nicely right about now.

I have depression.

I’ve written about it before – It was a difficult thing to get on paper then and it is now too.

This is because my depression doesn’t like to be written about – At least not by me. Perhaps it’s because depression creates a paradox for me – It wants those around me to rush to help but then it wants to push them away when they arrive. In the same vein depression wants me to write about it – But only in my head where it’s free to grossly exaggerate and to wildly extrapolate – To imagine horrible consequence and dark despair.

It does not want that last bit written down. You can’t write in the dark you see – Words can be seen in the light and when that happens, when the words are seen, read back and digested, then they lose their large grotesque shape and become something entirely more manageable and sensible for me.

So depression is not easy to write about in the Longworth72 world.

Which is a bar I get around by writing a blog about sport.

Don’t misunderstand me – The sport thing is not a façade – A cover that allows me to lure depression into the light – Nope, I am a genuine sports fan guy and this stuff is written by that guy. I truly do track all of those baseball games and I’d love for Liverpool FC to win their 19th title.

I’m not entirely sure why I follow the Fremantle Dockers though – Masochism probably.

In a sense this blog allows me to turn a double play of sorts – I get to write about a passion and I get to use that writing to confront the bastard black dog.

And now, it turns out, is a time to confront the bastard black dog.

I’ve been struggling you see, across the past few weeks and most likely months. So I’m getting treatment, including counselling, and it’s going ok. It always feels like an edgy and treacherous thing to say in these circumstances so I’ll say it cautiously – I’m doing ok.

The main reason I’ve brought it up here is that it does affect my writing – The tone can be different, more urgent than it has been in the past. I may also be prone to the occasional statement or prediction that is a bit out there, a bit wild even.

I figured the Dockers to beat Collingwood in today’s Australian Football League (AFL) Round 14 match at the Magpies’ Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) home.

Which is loyal but daft – Collingwood sit atop the competition, having won 10 of 12. Fremantle by contrast are ranked 12th of 18 with 6 wins and 6 losses in the ledger to date.

Going into today’s stoush the Magpies had a percentage of 123.13%, with 1187 points for and 964 points against. The Dockers had a percentage of 92.71%, with 928 for and 1001 against. That means the Pies had scored the equivalent of 43 goals and 1 behind more than the Freo outfit. Spread that disparity across 12 games and the Victorian team had scored an average of roughly 3 and 1/2 goals more per match than the Western Australian team.

That’s a shade over 21 points per match. 2 of Freo’s losses have been by less than 21 points, while 2 more were close to that margin. Had those 4 gone the way of the Dockers they would be level with Collingwood at the top of the ladder.

So a wise follower of the game, wholly possessed of his mind, would be looking at Collingwood to win by 21 points, possibly with another goal or 2 thrown in for playing on a ground that is a. Collingwood’s home and b. Fremantle’s graveyard (They’ve won there just the 1 time since 2007).

I still reckoned Freo could nick this 1 though.

Not so much as it happens.

Freo have just lost to Collingwood, 14.17 (107) to 12.6 (78). The final margin therefore was 29 points, pretty much what my retrospective stats analysis suggested it would be.

Not my best prediction then and I guess that comes of not taking a moment to step back and rationalise what is happening in this 2012 AFL season.

The good news is, that while I’m blinded in the AFL world by my loyalty to the Dockers, I am seeing the bigger picture in my war on depression. The key for me, like it is in accurately predicting AFL games, is to take a step back, to review the events around me and the actions I might take before the latest round of the depression kicks off. This blog is a small part of that and so I’ll keep writing through it all – My black days will pass and that damn dog will bugger off again to lick it’s wounds for next time.

Somehow though, even once the depression is in remission again, I just know that I will continue to show unrequited faith in the bloody Dockers.

To What You Wanted To See Good Has Made You Blind

  1. I am happy to read you are continuing to work with a combination of treatment and counsel. My belief is medication lifts you only to a place where you are finally receptive to moving forward and upward. It is the discussion part of things that actually gets you across the “goal” line…where you need to ultimately reside. And by all means, if blogging is an active ingredient for relief and advancement blog away!

    • Yeah, counselling has been the key for me previously. Counselling and exercise – Making sure that I get all of the basic building blocks in place. Fortunately I have good access to counselling and the Tour de France is on TV here each night – I get on the exercise bike and pedal a mountain or too with the lads.

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  1. Soup of This Day #260: They’re Gonna Get You Every Time « Longworth72

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