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Soup of This Day #268: Cast In This Devil, I’ve Got The Metal

November 20, 2012

Somali wild ass
When you assume, you make an ass out of you and the ass pictured above. The 1 in the middle. Actually they’re all asses already – Somali wild asses. Critically endangered, these African donkeys, with their zebra-striped legs, number as few as 700 in the wild and even less, just 200 of them, in captivity. The leading captive breeding program is not where you’d assume it would be – It’s at Zoo Basel in Switzerland – Photo: Lucasuvu, 2009. Lucasuvu is not affiliated with Longworth72. Image cropped by Longworth72.

This has been a strange post to right.

Mostly because it started at the end – Not only was the last line the 1st to be written, but the title image above shows the bottom of an ass.

An ass end.

I’ll be serious from now on in…

A little over 5 years ago I started to get some pretty severe pain in my abdomen. It wasn’t constant – I’d get attacks every couple of weeks or so and they were intense, with wave after wave of pain. Once I was rushed to hospital, while another time I passed out in a Doctor’s restroom. Throughout this my GP believed that the problem was ulcers. So that’s what he formed a plan around and at the completion of the treatment, when scans showed me free of stomach ulcers, he pronounced me cured.

Which I was. Of stomach ulcers. And elephantiasis. And leprosy.

Mostly because I had none of those things to begin with. Instead what I had was a gall bladder jammed up with gallstones and periodically 1 of those small rocks would squirm awkwardly down my common bile duct. Somehow an ultrasonographer had missed that when he’d scanned my abdomen at my GP’s request. So had my GP who had viewed the resultant films. In submariner parlance, my gallstones were apparently running silent.

Until 1 of the buggers became trapped, blocking off the bile duct and causing my liver to start misbehaving. This made me go all yellow. Which is to my reckoning, no longer running silent.

That’s literally yellow rather than metaphorically. I was, I think, pretty damn brave throughout the ordeal – So much so that rather than go to hospital I was fully prepared to play in a football match that night.

My wife says that this was not brave. She uses other words which I can’t say because children might read this.

Meanwhile they removed my gall bladder and I got on with life.

And then around 3 weeks ago I started to get pain in my abdomen once more. You can still get gallstones, even after your gall bladder has been removed, so naturally enough my new GP (I dumped the old 1 – It wasn’t me, it was him) suspected those same little rocks were back at it again.

So I’m having an ultrasound scan on Friday. With the same ultrasonographer’s clinic, hopefully looking in the right area this time.

Maybe this time it’s not even gallstones – It might even be ulcers.

That would be painfully ironic and it would raise a dark chuckle from me at the least. The alternative, that my GP is on the money with the gallstone thing would not be painfully ironic. It would just be painful.

Painful irony is the theme of this post.

On the 3rd of December last year, Sydney United hosted the Perth Glory Women in a Round 7 Australian W-League clash. It didn’t go well for the Western Australian side.

They lost 11-0.

Which is an unattractive way to lose a football match anyway but this road-trip got even uglier after the final whistle. Striker and New Zealand international Emma Kete had a heated altercation with defender and Norwegian international Lisa-Marie Wood.

Apparently a 3rd player (Probably a midfielder trying to reclaim the centre ground) was struck as she tried to intervene.

All 3 players were from the Glory, albeit barely – Lisa-Marie Wood was making her debut for the club.

Yep, team-mates Kete and Wood decided that the best way to rebound from an 11-0 hammering was to punch on. Possibly Kete was unhappy with the leaking of goals at 1 end while Wood was annoyed at the failure to conjure up a reply at the other. Unsurprisingly Glory management weren’t ecstatic about any of it and decided that the best way for the club to rebound from a disastrous weekend was to punch out both player’s time-cards.

That is a little Mr. Miyagi-like – Punch on, punch out. Maybe this could have been avoided if they’d waxed the coach’s car together before the game.

But no.

Instead Lisa-Marie returned to Norway and the Fortuna Hjørring team after just the 1 game for Perth, while Emma started this subsequent season with the outfit who had beaten Perth 11-0, Sydney United, having left Perth, never to return.

Until Saturday past when her Sydney side arrived in town for a match-up against the Glory. If that last, ill-fated, meeting was to be a guide Emma Kete was set for some sweet revenge.

Except this was a vastly different Glory Women line-up and they have so far this season outdone last term’s model, including the efforts of the pre-Kete and post-Kete editions.

The week previous they had notched their 3rd win from just the 4th match of the campaign. That’s 1 more win already than they achieved in the 12-game entirety of the last go.

In fact, their win the previous week had been away from home yet had resulted in a 1-6 thumping of Newcastle, including a memorable hat-trick from striker Katie Gill. If there was a fly in the ointment for this 1st-vs-2nd clash though it was that Katie Gill would not be suiting up against Sydney – She, along with a number of other key players on both sides of the turf-war, was away on international duty with the Matildas.

Sadly for Emma Kete and her new peeps, all Gill’s absence meant is that Rosie Sutton got the chance to shine for Perth. And the 22 year old went supernova – In a high-quality game, as befits the top 2 sides in the competition, Sutton was the difference. Perth (26) and Sydney (21) both hammered in over 20 shots but Rosie notched up goals from 3 of Perth’s while Sydney could manage only a solitary reply. They were in part stymied by a great game from Perth’s English international keeper Carly Telford.

So a 3-1 win for the ladder-leading Glory Women and a bit of painful irony for Emma Kete, who probably assumed that she’d be on the winning side this time out.

It’d be enough to give her peptic ulcers.

Or not.

Back in the early 80s a couple of scientists got to thinking about what caused peptic ulcers. They weren’t convinced that these painful internal sores were a result of stress, as conventional wisdom had they were. They instead suspected a bacteria, Helicobacter pylori but couldn’t quite nail the culprit in the act. Barry Marshall and Robin Warren needed a eureka moment.

So Marshall drank some cultured H.pylori, deliberately loading himself up with the little critters.

Who couldn’t help themselves.

This gave him ulcers and the proof needed to win a Nobel Prize.

Please don’t try this at home – It’s not as simple as I’ve just made it seem – You can’t just knock back some bacteria-laden beverage, like drinking yoghurt for instance, and have the Nobel committee send you your award in the mail.

You do have to go to Sweden at some point to collect your gong.

Which is what the intrepid Marshall and Warren did in 2005 after being recognized for discovering that as much as 90% of peptic ulcers are caused by H.pylori, thus providing hope and treatment for millions of sufferers of this ailment.

And they had to go a long way to pick up their gong. Both did their research right here in Perth, Western Australia. My hometown and that of 1 of my favourite football teams.

Glory be.

Cast In This Devil, I’ve Got The Metal

  1. Best of luck with the medical condition and here is hoping the pictures show a clear reason for the issue. I found your “use” of H.pylori ironic because our water company was kind enough to send a brief note with the last monthly bill indicating some coliform bacteria was detected in our water recently. Of course, no one told us that when they found it. They simply chose to mention it after the fact when it was convenient to slip a note into the water bill. Interestingly enough, I was having some gastric issues of my own at the same time the note arrived. With an annual physical coming up soon anyway, I went ahead and had the complete blood workup now…including testing for H.pylori. Bottom line, the water company did not poison me. All I have to do is lay off the Halloween candy…which should be simple enough since Pumpkin Pie is on the way in about 24 hours from now as we celebrate our Thanksgiving here in the States. Feel better…and the best to you and yours!

    • I’m not sure whether to be concerned or amused at a water company that sends you potentially bad water and then casually lets you know via a bill. I think I’ll just laugh.

      Enjoy the pie – I’ll be honest, I’ve only once had pumpkin pie, made by a homesick American lass 1 Thanksgiving, It was a bit of culture shock but tasted pretty decent.

      Best regards for the day – Thanks for reading.

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