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Soup of This Day #321: I Know You Ain’t The One To Play The Game

July 5, 2013

Dr. Evermor’s Forevertron, created by Tom Every and housed in Dr. Evermor’s Art Park in Sumptor, Wisconsin, is either: a. A device to launch Dr. Evermore ‘into the heavens on a magnetic lightning force beam.’; or b. A cracking 3-D representation of a football team crest. Whatever its purpose, at 300 tons, it is the world’s largest scrap metal sculpture – Nothing but the best is good enough for Dr. Evermor – Photo: Jeremy Faludi, 2010. Jeremy Faludi is not affiliated with Longworth72. Image cropped by Longworth72.

Brother of Longworth72 is an Everton FC fan.

This should in theory make him an arch enemy of Longworth72. It doesn’t though, in part because he’s my only brother and it would be a bit churlish to cut him off for supporting a football team. Also, we’re just not like that, being amiable and phlegmatic sports fans who quite happily just get along with anybody else.

I’m not saying that we’re 100% simpatico on all matters sport, but there’s a general empathy there. I for instance feel my bro’s pain when Everton are not doing so well or suffer the misfortune of losing their long-serving and popular manager, David Moyes.

Yep. That just happened. Moyes, who has been a more-than-stable hand on the tiller for 10 years at Goodison, has left a club that had become as synonomous with him as they are with the image of Prince Rupert’s Tower that adorns their crest.

So Brother of Longworth72 was not happy the day he announced his departure. And it wasn’t just a straight exit either.

Because David Moyes left Everton to join Manchester United.

You know that bit where I said that we were amiable and phlegmatic? Mostly we’re that way with all things Manchester United because we don’t actually know any of their fans, and nor do we need to acknowledge any of their players. It’s easy to be amiable when there’s nobody you have to be amiable at and being phlegmatic is smooth when you honestly don’t care for something.

Brother of Longworth72 does care for Moyes.

So what has happened is a serious blow to his world. It’s like if Ironman was to leave the Marvel family and go across to the DC gang.

Where he ends up fighting Batman.

See, Ironman is cool, but now he’s in a role that causes problems for Batman, who is also cool. And that’s not all, because Ironman is not just leaving by himself – He’s trying to take some of the other Avengers with him.

Yeah, some of the Toffee’s coaching staff are going with Moyes. This is understandable I guess and it’s palatable because the guy who is replacing Moyes, Roberto Martínez, will naturally want to bring in his own staff to Everton. The problem is though that David Moyes is now trying to poach at least 1 of Everton’s star players, Leighton Baines.

Brother of Longworth72 isn’t ecstatic about that.

Then, there’s that club crest that has Prince Rupert’s Tower (Actually less of a tower and more of a roundhouse of a drunk tank) and that is as synonymous with Everton FC as David Moyes used to be. That crest has undergone a marketing refresh. A simplification, ostensibly to make it easier to reproduce.

The tower therefore has had its proportions reduced, while a number of flourishes have been removed. Gone too is the club’s latin motto, Nil Satus Nisi Optimum. Which roughly translates as nothing but the best is good enough.

It does, to be fair, make sense removing that ethos when your former manager is actually trying to take away your best. That’s surely not good enough. Regardless, Brother of Longworth72 isn’t really amused by the changes to the crest either.

Or for that matter some of the other marketing tricks that his beloved Toffees are employing. Such as naming the club’s official fan club Foreverton.

Foreverton. Say it slowly with a pause between ‘Forever’ and ‘ton’ and you’ll get the double-meaning. You’ll also possibly get a slight but sharp pain in the head from someone joining 2 reasonable words into 1 compound mouthful.

I can offer Brother of Longworth72 something to salve the hurt – At least his club’s 3rd shirt doesn’t look like Liverpool’s.

In a Soup from around this time last year I explained the rational behind a 3rd strip – How it functions as a uniform for those situations whereby there is an unavoidable clash with both the home and away strips – For instance if Liverpool FC, who sport a red home strip and a white away strip, were to play Southampton FC, who wear red and white stripes, there could be a bit of a confusing visual similarity. So you want your 3rd strip to be markedly different to the 1st 2. Maybe instead of solid red you could go for a mixture of orange, fake tattoo and nightshade (Liverpool FC’s description of purple).

Which they did in 2012 and in the same post that I described that I also lamented it.

My caveat to that latter opinion is that I’m not a designer. I don’t really have a connection with fashion, much more than an accidental 1 anyway. If you had to describe my fashion ethos with just 1 word, it would be persistence – Because I just wear the same stuff in the belief that 1 day it will be stylish because the whole fashion thing is either a. Cyclical, or b. Decided by a blindfolded chimpanzee throwing darts at a colour and style wheel.

C’mon chimpanzee, throw a ‘big black coat’, a ‘loose blue jeans’ and a ‘comfortable beige sneakers’.

But even given my lack of an eye for what’s cool, that 2012 nightshade number was kind of busy. It had a lot going on.

Fortunately that was then and now we have a new 3rd shirt. It looks like this. For those of you who can’t click on that link to see the new threads with your own eyes then I’m sorry because I can’t describe it.

I have no earthly idea what it’s even about – It has 4 or 5 different shades and it incorporates at least 3, maybe 4, distinct designs. It doesn’t so much announce that its wearer represents the mighty Liverpool FC, as it does give a rambling discourse on how Ikea makes lampshades and shower curtains.

Oh, I get that this matters nowhere near as much as the way the shirt-wearing players handle themselves on the pitch. If they use it to win the English Premier League (EPL) then I’ll probably insist on buying 1 for posterity. Then maybe over time I’ll come to appreciate its intrinsic something. You can transform anything or anyone given the right context – The original all-red Liverpool uniform is a great example – Bill Shankly, when Ron Yeats modelled it, exclaimed:

‘Christ, Ronnie, you look awesome, terrifying. You look 7ft tall.’

So with that in mind, I have a suggestion for the next Liverpool 3rd shirt. It’s inspired by Dame Judi Dench, the stylish and classy English actress, who most famously of late has been stealing scenes as the hard as nails M in the James Bond franchise. For all of that projected ruthlessness, Dame Judi comes across as a lovely person who would make a cool grandmother.

Because she might star in big-money action flicks but she likes to embroider during her spare time on set. And not just any old embroidery either – This Dame likes to use language so purple, it’s practically nightshade.

Yep, Dame Judi Dench embroiders swear-words, such as @#$%, ^&*!, and even $#+!.

And then she gives the work away as gifts.

Dame Judi, if you’re reading this then it’s my birthday soon and I’d love it if you sent me an embroidered swear word soft furnishing. You can tell me to @#$% off via a cushion if it suits.

Yeah, this might be apocryphal, an urban legend, but you know what? If it is please don’t tell me. I’d like to live in a world where I believe that Dame Judi Dench sits, intently focused on sewing a ‘@#$% You, 007’ into an oversized pillow case, right before they killed her off as M.

And maybe even more. Because this is my world and Dame Judi’s Bond co-star, 007 himself, Daniel Craig, is a staunch Liverpool FC fan. Maybe, just maybe, he can prevail upon the former M to embroider a new Liverpool 3rd strip.

It could be a simple charcoal 1 with the words:

‘We’re Liverpool FC and we’re @#$%ing 7ft tall.’

Reckon she could do a decent badge for Everton and Brother of Longworth72 too.

I Know You Ain’t The One To Play The Game

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